Did you know that one can construct a spiraling stairway to heaven in one’s very own Garden of Eden for only chump change and a little bit of elbow grease? Enter the one, the only, Hedera helix, little Ms. English Ivy, our runway contestant, who, everyone knows just by spending one afternoon with her in the garden, knows she’s a sure-fire pageant winner. Now, when I was strolling through a public park in Vancouver, Washington, I came across Hedera helix and my heart leapt. For I’d just read that she is now on the Couve’s MOST WANTED LIST. I shuddered to think of the Nazi Vulcan Lizard Borg coming upon her. The slimy hands of the Nazi officers ripping Hedera helix’s naked, gorgeous physique from the muddy ground right up there next to the cold, hard pavement! I gulped hard and then cautiously looked around me. Alone for the moment is my feline companion and I. We are two dire wolves. Caught. There. In. The. Limelight! Our men off at war fighting or something. ‘Tis up to US I TELL YOU! US! To save Ms. Helix. Hedera. And also to bring her to our own private garden whereby one day we’d trade and / or sell off cuttings at Portland Plant Paradise. A plant shop business located upon a familial homestead already established by this time. OK, did my dire wolf friend named Iman actually say to me that this is what she is thinking: “let’s take Hedera helix, Ms. English Ivy, pageant contestant winner of the heavens, to the Portland Plant Paradise wildlife sanctuary and thereby save her life as well as the entirety of this sacred species?” K mate? Hell no! For Iman has survived through ice ages. Just like I have. Now, back to our original story. So there we are at the park. And Iman and I, April Boutillette Brinkman, both of us whom live in Portland, Oregon, and the latter of whom lives specifically at 940 SW Huntington Ave., Portland, OR 97225, did come across the fantastic foot-long strand of ivy. (Iman lives at some super upscale condo in Portland, Oregon by the way, with my heretofore step-son, but the entire marriage was a scam anyway so I’d don’t know what you’d call him now? Suggestion as to what to call him? Well, I’d say he’s like some kind of punked-out kid who thinks life is really “sick” and, yeah, he won’t talk to me. That said, perhaps it’s not surprising that I don’t know his physical address). Right, back to our original story, or, is this some kind of report at this point? So there we are, Iman and I, and we come across Ms. Hedera helix, sticking right out there from the muddied soil, a clay-filled creation of what has arisen to be one of the highest lifeforms ever known to Mama Maya. DID YOU THINK, DID YOU THINK, WE ARE JUST GOING TO LEAVE HER THERE?!? At the non-mercy of the Vulcan Nazi Borg Police State? Even if by saving Hedera helix, we had to take her across state lines, and, as such, break federal in addition to state laws? Thereby placing ourselves in serious danger of both arrest and imprisonment? I mean, didn’t you know? The Nazis had made Hedera helix “illegal” and put her on the MOST WANTED LIST! The very same Nazis who attempted to kill off the last of the dire wolves! Despite this very realistic, and, really, Nazi-level, rabid, risk; did you think we are just going to leave Hedera helix there to be crucified by the Nazis? Hell no! We are not going to leave Hedera helix alone! And, also, I’d already readied the perfect spot at that same wildlife sanctuary, readied, for just the perfect spot in my private garden and wonderfully wild wildlife sanctuary whereby Hedera helix can seek refuge and flower to a full fruition of her God-given talents. This includes darling, petit peu flowers fancied by a divine diversity of pollinators. Not to mention delicious blue berries, which, yes, everyone in the garden, all the wildlife, in fact, covets. Did I say “covet” as to want deeply and profoundly? Just like I covet Hedera helix? A want so heart-felt such that God himself might prick his ears in anticipation that I train such a temptation wisely? You have to watch those especially intense temptations you know! How do such temptations serve you? Would one still be comfortable later in the day discussing the matter over tea with the Grim Reaper? Alas, yes, God. Yes, I decide that I love Ivy, and, I want her to survive this mess, and, if she can’t exist here, then I don’t want to either. The Fay, we are the best head hunters around, let’s be honest. And we have one Hell of an umbrella policy. We know what we want and we go for it, such that all the most glorious parts of the Creation continue to evolve. As we work like humble servants for the Lord of Light himself. Even as the new little seedlings join us. And Hedera helix is now doing great at the Portland Plant Paradise wildlife sanctuary. I hope Iman gets to visit us soon.